Vintage Bullet Presents: Real Heroes #1-3

I return to Vintage Bullet and with the first year passed it’s time to ramp up the reviews. And today we’ve got a twofer for you. This is the first guest review on the site. Joining us today is the Juicy Reviewer and we will be reviewing Image’s Real Heroes.

Real Heroes presents with a world where the biggest name in superheroes are the Olympians. At a premiere party for the movie a Devastator from the movie attacks the actors. They are dragged away to another universe by a guy named Smitty, or Smith they aren’t consistent on that. In this universe the Olympians were real, but were killed by the Devastators and their leader, Brainchild. Smitty tells the heroes that they have been chosen to save his world by taking up the most important roles of their lives, the Olympians.

It’s a pretty good premise I admit. Fake heroes make the jump to real heroes to save the world sounds like it could be fun. This book crumbles though under a torrent of bad writing, cliches, and pacing problems. Most of the first issue is showing the characters inside of the movie, where it’s intentionally supposed to be cheesy and bad. It’s directed by Josh Trank so that doesn’t surprise me. The rest of the issue introduces the actors, but puts them in a situation where they are acting for the public, so they are smiley and come across as fake. This is definitely the intention, but it grinds the plot to a halt and doesn’t give the characters any real definition. The only two of the actors to get any characterization are Chris Reynolds (Ugh) and Danny West. Chris Reynolds lost his dad in 9/11 and you can see by the scene where’s calling his mother he worries about her. That’s the best characterization you get. Danny West is an annoying drug addict who drinks and does cocaine while he’s yelling at and insulting everyone else.

Once they cross over it doesn’t get any better. Plot holes keep digging their way into the story and it all falls down. Speaking of falling down, that’s most of the third issue. They fall out of some super special base that they hype up for a while and spend the whole time screaming obscenities and to god. They all get split up, which does not bode well for the future as these characters can not hold up on their own. The villains are so strong it’s unreasonable to think that any of these “heroes” can stop them at all. When they’re not being boring the “heroes” are straight up unlikable. They don’t care at all about helping people and care more about going home or in Danny’s case, drinking.

I only have two pros, but even those come with caveats. First off the art is good. Hitch is an artist so naturally he nails this. His splash pages are great and especially the pages of the city. Even so, the character designs are uninspired, where most of the characters have downward pointing arrows taking up the bulk of their costumes. My other pro would be the villain, Brainchild. I know the Juicy Reviewer will disagree with me here, but I liked him. In comparison to the “heroes” he actually accomplishes some stuff and has an end goal.

I could rant endlessly about the plot holes and the numerous questions I have but I also want to keep spoilers to a minimum. I’m just going to rate this thing and pass this over to the Juicy Reviewer.

Writer: Bryan Hitch

Artist: Bryan Hitch

Rating: Rubbish

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